POST FROM 01/05/18
Damn you anxiety! You lull me in, I think I'm feeling ok and then wham...there you are.
You're never far away but gosh am I sick and tired of you following me around.
I've gone back to work, thought I was doing ok, and now tonight you're making me question everything all over again. Was I ready, maybe not... but anxiety you don't think about the guilt I feel letting my colleagues down and you don't think about whose going to pay my bills if I really can't work.
It was our 1 year wedding anniversary on Saturday...do you realise anxiety its not just me you inflict your suffering on...it's those around me too. Do you know how many times I find myself apologizing to my husband for your uncontrollable actions. Do you think I could treat him to a nice day out, a meal somewhere special...no! I managed a few hours outside at a garden centre. You make me fail as a wife, sister, daughter, friend and colleague.
When you strike, you leave me emotionally exhausted, each time you're wearing me down. The once strong independent me is dissolving into someone I no longer recognise. I look in the mirror and see you staring back at me...I mutter "not today" but you always get me in the end.
I'm not sure how long I can go on fighting. When I get the help I need and the right tools... you are going to go back to that dark hole you crawled from in my brain.
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