So the ramp up to the festive season begins.
I know this season can cause a mixture of emotions for a variety of reasons. If like me you find this time of year difficult because of the expected social side of things, you are certainly not alone.
I wanted to share with you some of the strategies I put in place which may assist you too. Ultimately you have to find your own way of coping but if you find anything that helps here that's great!
Only plan to go for a short time.
I tell myself that I’m only going to stay in these situations for a short period of time. For example, I tell myself I'm only staying for an hour. Once I get to that hour stage I re-evaluate how I'm feeling. If I'm feeling ok, I tell myself I'm sitting it out for another hour and repeat the process. I have tried this technique and got to a point where I forgot to evaluate how I was feeling at the hour stage because I was enjoying myself too much. This is a good sign. If like me you store up all your energy and emotions for these things, be careful not to over do it. I paid the price for the following couple of days feeling emotionally exhausted. There's a fine balance between embracing when you’re feeling good and can stick it out, to being sensible and knowing these things take their toll if you are not use to them. So maybe restrict your time even if you’re feeling great to save the outfall. Know that this is ok and practical for you. Be proud you made it out for the first time and keep in mind that you even enjoyed yourself.
Confide in someone else whose going out with you.
I find it so helpful to say to a friend or relative that these situations make me uncomfortable and I normally share my hour strategy with them. That way if you’re not feeling comfortable you can let the person know, they may be able to help or at least they can let others know you have had to leave. Sharing is caring.
Find a safe place.
You will not believe the amount of toilets I have frequented as my ‘safe space’ when I am feeling brave and have made it out. You get to lock the door and no one can see your reactions. This is normally where I go to breathe and reassure myself I’m ok. When I'm feeling panicky I am always hot so retreating outside is always good for me too. You don't always have to tell people the real reason why either, I tend to say things like “think I'm having my own personal summer over here, I’m just going to cool down outside for a bit”.
Have an escape plan.
I know this sounds extreme...however when I am somewhere new for the first time or anywhere in fact I always work out, if I need to leave... how I’m going to do it and what I am going to say. (If you’ve shared your feelings with a friend, this is where it can be easier to just tell them, so they can cover for you if you do not feel comfortable sharing with other people how you’re feeling). I will always ensure I sit at the end of somewhere and I am not penned in, so it is easier getting out if I need to.
Now I know the trained mental health professionals amongst you will see these actions as ‘safety blanket’ actions. Yep that's true they are. I also always carry a little bag in my normal bag with stuff that I need when I'm anxious…. If these things make me feel better and get me out the house then so be it.
I was once at a christmas meal where it was evident I was not coping and I was sat in tears at the dinner table...upon being asked if I was ok, the person who had asked me was silenced by another person, who also knew full well I had issues around food and in social situations. ‘The silencer’ (new name for this person BTW) told the compassionate person to leave me be to get on with it. Actually in that exact moment it would have been helpful to share how I was feeling and why. To the person who asked me if I was ok - I will always be grateful you tried to acknowledge how I was feeling, I am sorry you were silenced. I’m also sorry I was not the person I am now, who would have stood up for themselves and had this conversation whether it made ‘The Silencer’ uncomfortable or not.
Some people judge - that's their problem. Some people think they know what's best for you in that situation. Only you do! Tell people what you need when you feel like this...if you can.
Remember do what's right for you - screw everyone else.
You need to sit at the end of a table to feel safe so you can get out, you do that.
You need to be somewhere where you can see the door, you do that.
You only want to stay for an hour, an hour is better than nothing, be proud of any time you spend in this situation.
You need to carry your emergency bag with the things that make you feel safe, you do that.
You need to spend 10 minutes in the toilet deep breathing and pulling yourself together, you do that.
To those that suffer with social anxieties, you are not alone. Find what works for you. We will never be social butterflies but we may just surprise ourselves when we come out of our cocoon and show our lovely butterfly wings.
Big love Nx
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