OK time to 'fess up!!
Sorry for the delay in updating my blog but I have been feeling really down. I had been feeling really positive but over this last week and a bit, it's like a big black cloud has drifted over me that I just can’t shake. I know I have been snappy and dis-interested in things (sorry Hubby). I guess this is a reality check that this is why I was taking Anti-D's in the first place!
The perception of my lack of interest, has always been something I have been perceived as having....my Dad always relays a story about taking us to Florida as kids and when they asked me how I was feeling about it all and what was the best bit, I’d just reply "it's alright". I find it interesting that I've never been able to verbalise excitement or joy. Yet ask me to write about that holiday to Florida and I would have written you an excellent, exciting, eloquent essay.
Anyway back to the point....I think I have to accept over this last week I've been feeling well ...let's use the word...'depressed'. It's frustrating. I hate having to fake a smile and pretend I'm ok. I just want to go home and curl up in bed and shut the world away. I'm hoping this is a blip or this might just be a 'normal' bad day/week. Whatever it is, it wants to go away! That’s the other point how do I know what is 'normal'? I've spent over half my lifetime with some chemical enhancing/hindering me...I have no idea what being just 'me' feels like.
Anyway let me focus on the positives.... On Friday night despite me feeling terrible and on the verge of a panic attack, I did make it to the theatre on my own. People often ask me why I go to the theatre on my own... in a nutshell it's easier! I love musical theatre, always have and always will... But it's also everything I hate... Surrounded by people, stuck in the middle of a row not being able to get out, the rustling of food packets, hearing people eating sweets, having to queue for the toilet, what if I need the toilet mid-performance etc. Its normally a sensory overload too, which leaves me exhausted and drained. When I go on my own, if I have a panic attack, I just have to worry about myself.... Not letting people down who I may have gone with, who will have paid a lot of money for their ticket, and I don’t like that fact people have to worry about me. On Friday evening I saw Miss Saigon – I had purposefully booked the cheapest ticket and on the end of a row so that if anything did happen i.e. I couldn't go or I had to leave, I wasn't loosing much (except disappointment and frustration with myself). It was an amazing show, which I had never seen before. It was very sad though towards the end and I struggled with filtering my emotions for the rest of the evening as a result.
I've had my 2nd counselling session and 50 minutes just never feels enough! We have started to talk through the food issues, however the key theme during this session that transpired, was the expectations I put upon myself and where this has come from! I have homework to do around this!!
On Sunday we also dropped some old bedding and blankets to the local bird of prey centre and they were having an open day, so I did manage to walk round the centre and hold a tiny owl. As we went early, thankfully the centre was not busy, I managed about an hour or so and then we headed to the Garden centre next door.
So after feeling so down, the one thing that is now missing from my new wellbeing routine is proper exercise, so I have been out for my first run since the 10k in May last year. I ran for longer than I expected (probably because I have lost a bit of weight since coming off the Anti-D's and I'm not consuming loads of junk food) and I'm not timing myself or doing any of that at the moment...I'm just going to do the same route until I can actually run it all without feeling like my lungs want to launch out my throat grappling for the fresh air.
All in all this is part of my journey good or bad...I'm just riding out the rollercoaster in the hope that one day I can get off and feel ok and maybe know the new me.
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