I honestly feel like I have walked through the door of anxiety, with my anxiety in a neat manageable box, straight into this wall of downess and depression. I have been feeling like this way for about 4 weeks now and initially I put this down to adjusting to my new job. A week ago I had to concede and accept that it’s more than this, I knew this from the outset really but was fighting in my mind and hoping it wasn’t the case. It’s SO frustrating!
As I have dealt with my Mental Health in one form or another since I was about 13, I’ve got to know my Mental Health self quite well…
I want to share with you (so if you are unfortunate enough to identify with any of these things you know you’re not alone) some of the things that happen when I know I’m depressed:
* I lose all the nice emotions. Songs that mean so much to me and usually make me cry when I play them or hear them, I just feel numb. It provokes no emotion.
* I need to sleep! If you’ve read my blog previously you’ll know in the last 2 years I have struggled to sleep. When I’m feeling depressed, all I want to do is sleep. I’m more lethargic and have zero energy to do anything.
* I want to eat everything!
* I feel numb, the only feelings I get are angry and sad.
* I get desperate – so for example this week my Google search history has included searches around modern day ECT (Electroconvulsive therapy), natural remedies to assist with depression, does the contraceptive pill cause anxiety and depression, TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation), which anti-Ds have the least side effects.
I know I mention Self care in every blog but it's important... So here’s this blogs instalment 😉
So what am I doing to support myself?
* I have upped my guided meditation routine I am using a mixture of apps including the Headspace app and the happiness pack.
* I’m talking about it. I mainly talk openly about my mental health but when I know somethings going on and not yet ready to face it, I hide it. I guess in my own mind to say it out loud makes it real, so normally I go a good 2/3 weeks before mentioning my concerns to anyone.
* I’m back at counselling. I am self-funding talking therapy, just to have someone to check in with and someone to listen to my mental musings. I’ve had a good 8 week break from any form of professional support but clearly, I’m not ready to go it alone.
* I’m still going to Pilates. I love it but once I am home from work I find it so hard to go back out again. Once I’ve been though I do feel better.
* I’m still going to Pilates. I love it but once I am home from work I find it so hard to go back out again. Once I’ve been though I do feel better.
* I’m listening to Fearne Cottons HappyPlace Pod cast. I love this podcast it’s not heavy and Fern interviews guests, it’s not all about Mental Health and it’s a nice mix of light heartedness. My favourite guests so far have been Ruby Wax and Maise Williams.
* I’m taking Ashwagandha a natural root which promotes physical and mental health, improve vitality, longevity and resistance against infections and diseases. Read more about it here:
* I’ve made an appointment with my GP to discuss my options, I’m pretty sure he’s going to recommend checking my thyroid levels. We’ll invariably discuss anti-D’s (I know I worked hard to try and live without them, but I take my thyroid meds because I have an autoimmune disease, Anti- D’s should be no different, if I have something wrong with my brain. - I'm repeating this mantra to myself BTW.)
So here I am, down but certainly not out.
Someone asked me whether there was a trigger this time – honestly, not that I’m aware. I guess if I knew the trigger I could do something about it. It’s just my brain keeping me on my toes and I guess just how my brain is wired.
Most importantly I am staying positive – if there is anything I have learnt it’s trying not to wallow or be self destructive, when all you want to do is sit and feel sorry for yourself. So if you see me sat on the sofa, looking glum, under a blanket eating bags of Haribo, you have my permission to kick my butt!
If you're feeling low, you got this! Please seek the help you need or pick up the phone and speak to someone.
Big love N x
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