"You had your time, you had the power You've yet to have your finest hour" - Radio Ga Ga, Queen.
Sorry for the radio silence.
I have found it difficult to compose a blog post as an update from the holiday and in general. There are several reasons for this.
Firstly I'm pleased to say we had the best holiday and for me it was a triumph in many senses.
However I am struggling to share the finer details of this triumph. I feel like if I share all the details of the things I was able to do/achieve, things I haven't been able to do for a very long time, then there is this instant expectation for me to be doing all these things all the time, like I've never been poorly and had no issues at all. So for this reason, forgive me, I am going to keep the holiday info brief. This is to pacify any expectations of myself and those that I believe others have of me.
I completely surprised myself on holiday, whether it was the change in scenery, the fact I knew I had to do certain things, whether I had just broken the vicious cycle I had got myself into at home, maybe I was more relaxed....who knows. However what it has given me is the belief in knowing that things can get better, it gave me a snapshot of how things could be. It certainly was the best holiday we have
had for a long time.
I am definitely feeling brighter in general so that is positive. Hopefully those closest to me have started to see a difference. I feel the difference albeit sporadically.
I had a really difficult counselling session over the weekend. It has given me lots to think about. I guess it's what you would call a 'light bulb' moment reference one of my 'triggers'. It left me feeling angry, confused and upset. I know I am probably going to have to make a massive decision at some point in the near future.
Counselling can be like a gigantic mentally draining roller coaster. It starts off with 'getting to know you' sessions. After the first few sessions you end up telling this stranger all the things you have probably never verbalised to anyone before, regardless of how bad or how personal they are. You end up talking yourself through your own questions, into the answers you have been searching for. You end up realising things about yourself that although you thought you knew, you didn't accept or want to accept. It tackles unhealthy relationships with yourself and others, which may not be conducive to your recovery. It makes you face your daemons. For me it's like the most intense 360 degree feedback session. It helps untangle the huge entwined web of thoughts and issues in your head until you realise that at some stage they started to unravel. It was never going to be easy. However bizarre as this sounds, I do enjoy the process, regardless of how difficult it is, because for me it cathartic.
So to help me move on from the session, it has spurred me on to write about it and finally write an update... so here I am.
Before I went away I hinted at a new project, which will run alongside my blog and journey. This is still very much in the pipeline, but there are certain things I need to have in place before releasing the details. Keep watching this space for more details on this one.
Alongside the new project, I have started a list of blog subjects I want to cover and write about. I would really value anyone's input of what they would like to see me discuss/share my ramblings over:
A few of the ones I have noted already:
The term 'Man up' in relation to depression and anxiety and it's inappropriate use
Why we are still ashamed to share our personal experience of mental health
The power of music
Why sunflowers have become my symbol of hope
Please private message me on FB or email me nataliehowitt@hotmail.com with any ideas. I am happy to research and tackle anything related to mental health issues, within reason of course :-)
Thanks for the continued support guys...as ever big love.
Comments