Wow it’s been a while since I’ve written an update, so thought I’d make a conscious effort to explain what’s been going in regards to my Mental Health in the last month.
Every day continues to be a roller coaster, since coming off of Anti D’s things just haven’t felt that stable day to day. Every day still feels like a challenge but I guess I have had to learn who I am again and how I function without the chemical influence.
Social anxiety still rules but I am slowly reintegrating back into society. I’ve been doing some work in counselling around agoraphobia and desensitization to social situations, the blogs been partly quiet for this reason, as I was given food for thought as to whether the blog had become counterproductive. I wasn’t sure but here I am typing away anyway!
If you follow my Facebook page Sestra you’ll know I was disappointed with myself on boxing day regarding going to the football. Well I have since had a successful trip to the football where I felt ok and maybe even a little excited. It felt nice to be part of that community, whether you love or hate football you can’t get away from the camaraderie.
Here’s the biggest thing I’ve done so far….. I’ve been ‘out out’ in Bristol. I’ve lived here for a little while now and always disliked the hustle bustle of this city. There’s always something going on here which is great if you’re a social butterfly, if not you try to avoid it like the plague. Anyway for the last couple of sessions in counselling I have worked on getting me ‘out out’ on a Saturday evening. I’ll be honest it was everything I dislike about social situations the bar was crowded and ridiculously busy, you waited 25 minutes for a drink (and when you don’t even drink alcohol that wait seems like forever when you just want a soft drink), there was nowhere to sit initially…but do you know what, I did it anyway. I made it there; I stayed far longer than I thought I was going to be able to, and it was ok. Sunday I had my usual mental and physical exhausted dip, where I felt my batteries had been removed, so Sunday was a write off for me but it was worth it for achieving something I have been working towards for a little while.
Going ‘out out’ was a huge step but I’m back to the little progressive steps for now, I’m not sure I can cope with massive steps like that every week, it’s exhausting.
It was nice to feel like the old Natalie for a few hours.
I'm still not sleeping well every night is the same, I wake repeatedly. So I'm working on making a weighted blanket. I've looked into weighted blankets for a little while and someone also sent me a newspaper article recommending them. However they are A LOT of money to buy and try, plus a large outlay for something that may not work for me. So I'm attempting to make one, it's been interesting learning about different weights and sizes. If it goes well and helps, I'll work towards getting one closer to the end of the year.
All in all, I'm still striving to learn to live with the anxiety, trying new things, revisiting old techniques. I still have to do masses of self care. Things are changing, I'm growing and changing or maybe just growing and adapting. So sorry for my absence but be reassured no news is normally good news 😊
Big love N x
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