Thanks to everyone who has liked and shared my Facebook page so far.
I'll be honest I am not having a good week. I think it is still really important to write and share these times with you.
Please therefore be warned this post contains my personal thoughts and feelings regarding mental health which may trigger unwanted thoughts and feelings for other people experiencing Mental Health.
I know it shouldn’t come as any surprise to me at this point, when I have bad days, but this came out of nowhere...or so it seems.
It started with a massive unnatural high on Tuesday evening and by Wednesday afternoon I found myself crying at work feeling massively unhappy and upset. Thursday after getting home from work, for the first time in ages, I found myself in bed just lying and staring up at the ceiling wishing the world would swallow me up. I found it hard to verbalize to hubby how I was feeling which invariable ended up in a row, then I end up feeling like the worst human and wife ever. I've not been sleeping well either with last night (Thursday) being the worst.
To top this all off, yesterday (Thursday) my counselor has said I cannot continue CBT counselling if I am having Hypnotherapy due to it being counterproductive (another blog for another time to explain this, perhaps when I am feeling less emotional and more rational).
So now my minds on overdrive and to share a few of these thoughts with you it's thinking things like....
Is this the start of being mentally unwell again?
Is this because I felt high highs and low low on anti-Ds but nothing in between...is this the in between?
Maybe I need to go back on anti-D's
Why couldn't I have stayed well?
Why am I so angry?
Is this the change in weather?
Why have I not noticed this decline?
Why has no one else noticed my decline?
Is this a change is my other medication?
On the flip side of this, without the mental health issues how do I know this isn't just (I hate this word but) a 'normal' down day/time! That’s kind of it though...how do I know this? how do I determine this? When you have had mental health issues all your life, how do you know what a 'normal' down day is, without knowing it’s the start of something more serious?
It still feels like a fight, I know people advise me not to view it like this, but that’s the truth. Some days I win the fight, other days I don't. I'm not very good at losing!
It’s times like this I want to scream at the top of my lungs "screw you mental health and the hold you have over me"
To quote one of my therapy apps 'just because you think of a tiger, does not make you a tiger'
The below article popped up in my inbox this week just by coincidence, which has been really helpful so thought I’d share.
https://www.blurtitout.org/2018/09/27/recognise-downward-spiral/
I'm having to dig really deep to leave this on a positive note and it's worth both me and anyone else who can relate to the above, remembering we have been here before, this might not be the start of anything at all. Whichever way we've been here before and got through it before.
Its ok not to be ok.
Big love N x
Comments