It's still ok not to be ok - update

Wow longest time away from blogging…. apologies.

When my heads ‘noisy’ I have to cut myself off from nearly everything. The noise gets too loud and I struggle to stay connected with friends and family. My Grandma once said “I now understand why you sometimes fall off the radar”. This is the first time I’ve not been able to express/verbalise how I’ve been feeling, but I do now feel in a position to try!

I'm not sure what's worse, anxiety or depression separately at their worst, or the 2 mildly mixed together? I almost want to say ‘thankfully it’s depression this time’ but I’m not quite sure that's what I mean! This time it’s the depression that's got me. I’m ok (ish) but I just feel numb, empty and just a bit meh! It’s only right I reference SAD at this point too, as it is always this time of year I feel the worst.

However positives have happened!!!

I can now talk about ‘Christmas’ as I had totally avoided talking, thinking and contemplating this up until this point. I have been trying to focus on the things I want to make for my family for Christmas, which has been a good distraction technique.

I’ve also been to the cinema!! I just don't really like the cinema that much, its stems from various things...the ‘food’ smell mainly (bizarre as I love popcorn), being trapped in a row of seats and the feeling of not being able to get out if I panic. I really wanted to see Bohemian Rhapsody so with a tonne of trepidation my husband booked us seats. He booked expensive seats to give me space and comfort. Since booking them, I have worried endlessly about going. We were booked for 1:50pm on Sunday. I spent Sunday morning distracting myself in the garden and the time finally came. I walked in the cinema and the smell hit me first - I wanted to run, however the cinema itself was in fact very nice and spacious. We ordered the obligatory popcorn (I only had a small one, as I was not sure I could eat anything because of how anxious I was feeling) and went into the screen. We were sat slap bang in the middle of a row and I nearly lost the plot, I felt hot, dizzy and was chest breathing quickly. But importantly nothing happened or transpired from how I was feeling. I just sat with that feeling and it dissipated once the film started. Thankfully it was quiet and only one couple were sat at the end of the row my side and there was no one on hubby’s side. Had I been penned in I’m not sure I would have coped. Anyway the film was amazing. I am going to try and go back to the cinema as there is lots I want to see and the more I do it the easier it will become. I did it...I was exhausted afterwards but proud of myself.

Counseling has been difficult and to be honest I have thought about packing it in! This is me cutting my lifelines off though, and after a good long talk to myself, decided I would try and stick it out. I just feel my issues are so complex that things are just not moving forward. We revisit the same trends each week; the feeling of constant guilt and my high expectations of myself. It doesn't feel like it’s actually helping anymore. I also find it so intense some weeks, that I struggle to string a sentence together afterwards, the counselor is looking into other CBT methods to see how she can assist me. I’ve not yet had the courage to find an alternative to the hypnotherapy since having to give this up as it was deemed by my CBT counseling service to be a conflict of interest. I keep looking at other holistic relaxation methods but I just can’t seem to bring myself to make that commitment again.

I still haven't been able to put my trainers back on though, to get back out running. I’m a fair weather runner anyway, so I know I can go back to this when I’m ready.

So for now I'm taking each day as it comes and not thinking to far ahead. I keep reassuring myself that it's ok that I’m only making it to work everyday. I keep getting out of bed and that should be celebrated.