I'll just apologise now for the length of this blog post!!
I did however feel like it was time for me to talk about my ongoing journey with food! Food is a major player in my anxiety and depression. I hate saying 'I have an eating disorder' as it makes you immediately think of anorexia and bulimia. However during my last session of counselling I was made to say out loud "I have an eating disorder". I don’t consider it as serious health wise as bulimia or anorexia but it is equally as debilitating.
I find it really difficult to explain the disorder but I'll give it a go, to hopefully give you an idea.
Back in the day I use to have an issue with social eating, being anywhere with food, eating in restaurants, eating out in general, eating at other people's houses, eating at the table at home.... you get the picture! On holidays abroad I would only eat what I considered safe foods....chips and washed tomatoes! I ate because I had too on holiday!
Now I know somewhere in my childhood this issue developed, as I can remember being very young and stashing food that I just couldn’t eat. My issues though really came to the forefront when I was in my teens. One Christmas I was absolutely dreading Christmas dinner round the table, so I got my hands on some alcohol and drunk so much my mum had to put me to bed with dry crackers. This is one of the few occasions I can count on one hand, of me getting drunk in my whole lifetime! All to avoid our little family having Christmas dinner around the table.
I also spent a whole flight once to Florida with a scarf wrapped round my face and a hood over my head so I couldn’t smell the airplane food. Food smells also send me off into an anxiety frenzy and this issue raised its head again last week at the buffet being held at work!
It never got any better from this point....when I had my first serious boyfriend, his mum had cooked for us and I had worked myself up so much about it I just couldn’t eat. My boyfriend's mum was a single mum and money was tight, so I felt awful for wasting that meal. I just couldn't do it. I still carry the guilt of this wasted meal with me now! So if you ever read this know it was beyond my control and I'm sorry.
This is why I will not allow people to buy me meals if I do make it out! The guilt I feel about someone paying for food I may not eat makes the anxiety about eating worse! I also find it horrendous picking a meal from a menu and having to wait ages for the food to come, it makes the whole ordeal horrendous and drags it out for me. By that time, I've usually gone past the point, lost it and had to excuse myself. I always have that flight or fight moment. Sometimes I can sit it out others I have to remove myself from that situation.
It is one of the main reasons I learnt to cook - it became a thing I could control if I could cook everything myself.
I did get better for a time and actually I didn’t mind occasionally eating out but it's had a bit of an adverse effect in other ways. It means I now binge eat in secret, for fear of being out and not being able to eat.
As in my previous posts Mirtazapine has increased my appetite over the last 10 years....wow I could really put food away. The weight has piled on which has made me equally unhappy (I also have hypothyroidism to thank for that). So in the last 10 years I have been HUNGRY beyond belief. So the secret eating and stuffing my face in places that I'm comfortable with has become second nature.
I truly believe this food issue/condition/disorder whatever I'm calling it, has manifested itself from the original issue.
(Don’t read on if your reading this enjoying your dinner!!) Sorry for the grimness of this next part... Since being little, I've not really been sick physically, I can again count the number of times on one hand. I can't burp either – not sure what's going on there! However the week before our wedding in 2017 I had a terrible sickness bug. It was usual for me to be so physically sick and sent me into absolute oblivion.
Being sick has become a phobia and is one of the most recognised phobias known as emetophobia. It's one of the main reasons I don’t drink, and also one of my considerations about not becoming pregnant. It's the reason I dislike travelling for fear of travel sickness....you get the idea!
I now have this issue where I can't over eat too much, because the moment I start to feel full, I fear I'm going to feel sick. I panic....that triggers my anxiety and round that vicious cycle I go. This happened Christmas and New Year's eve 2017 – both which were complete write offs for me. New Year's eve was the lowest I had ever felt and I spent 4 hours pacing our spare room floor having the worst panic attack I have EVER encountered. I wrote the poem Turmoil and Strife about this night.
So I'm at a point where I'm not stuffing my face any more but back to not feeling comfortable eating out, or in any social occasion for that matter whether food is present or not. Over this last week the issue of food and the fear of being sick has really been at the forefront of my anxiety again...it's so frustrating and completely debilitating. Distressingly the feeling of hunger has become a comfort.
This is why I acknowledge I need further counselling and the high intensity CBT that has been suggested. Do you know what though? I've learnt it’s ok to recognise you need help. I will probably always battle with food in one form or another. I've been better and I will be better again. If you’re reading this and can relate in anyway I'd be very comforted to know. Pop me an email to nataliehowitt@hotmail.com
P.S Friends and family - if I decline food don’t take it personally, don’t think it's because I'm panicking, I may just not actually be that hungry, or it may just be easier for me to say no. If you see me eating in an environment that isn’t usual for me... roll with it and don’t make a fuss, ignore me is the best advice I can give you. If you see me cutting up food really small and pushing food round my plate roll with it, I cut food up small to take smaller bites as sometimes when I get going I'm ok....again ignore me if this happens and let me get on with it. I don’t need a scene or questions to ask if I'm ok. I know you love me and I will let you know or excuse myself if it gets too much.
Please see part 2 for an update on this :-(
Comentarios