This is one of the hardest posts I have had to write. My journey with anxiety over the last 4 months has been a bit of a roller coaster. I always promised this blog would be truthful to my journey and to myself.
What became evident last week was that actually although I thought I was feeling better, I'm not. I think I was hopeful and pretending I was better but in my heart of hearts I knew I wasn't.
After a frank, honest, open and difficult conversation with my husband, I think I faced and realised I was still quite unwell. Forcing myself to try and eat strawberry jam on toast, crying over not being able to put that toast into my mouth, clearly I am still mentally unwell.
I knew I wasn't 'better' because my anxiety levels have been heightened again over the last week. I'm still trying to maintain regular bedtimes and mornings in an attempt to aid my sleep, as I am still not sleeping well. Whilst this was working well, this last week I have woken every night around 2/3am and I stay awake for 2 sometimes 3 hours. Several nights I've awoken having a panic attack.
It's all taken it's toll this week, and my biggest disappointment is that regardless of the last 4 months I have managed to maintain getting up and going into work everyday, however I have had to accept today that I need time off! My job is my career, it's tough, challenging but I do love it and it gives me a focus and distraction from myself. This decision has been the hardest, however following discussions with my Doctor, I acknowledge perhaps I haven't given myself time to recover, accept or acknowledge how unwell I have been, or am. So I've been signed off...I'm not sure how I feel about it.
I have to take my own advice and as per my previous blog on self care, I have to give myself this time to focus on trying to get well, without beating myself up, because I feel like I've failed having to take time off from work. I have to remember that I need this time and that it's ok. Roll on the intensive CBT (of which the NHS wait list in Bristol is 6 months and I am 5 months in).
I owe massive gratitude to my patient, loving husband, we sometimes forget the people who silently support loved ones with mental health issues...in my eyes they're the real heroes x
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