Last Tuesday I had a really bad evening and night...I don't want to dwell on it too much for fear of resurfacing some of those feelings. For the first time ever I was able to say and verbalise the words 'I'm having a panic attack'. Small victories.
I was also made to realise that I still needed to take the time for self care and not to run before I can walk into new social situations. I'm not very good at doing things slowly...I know my Dad would relate this to, what we refer in our family as 'the little blue bike moment'. It refers to not being a very good student and me wanting to be independent and doing things my own way.
I missed a big family get together this weekend. Which to me was a massive deal, I initially felt like I had let everyone down, especially my brother and my sister-in-law to be. Mostly I felt I had let myself down. My supportive brother and husband helped me understand and overcome the guilt I was feeling. I finally learnt to accept that this was just one of those times I had to do whats right for me.
Despite the fact I felt sad I couldn't be there, I enjoyed the weekend in the garden soaking up the sun and spending quality time with my hubby.
I've also had to contact one of my oldest and dearest friends to explain why I've not showed my face to help out with the show's he's Directing. This will be the first show I have missed for years. I'm gutted but for the same reasons as above, I'm just not sure I would manage at the moment. Sending the message to my friend was difficult but it was important for me to be honest.
So the chimp as referenced in title...I was gifted a book called the Chimp Paradox by Prof Steve Peters. It's a mind management model and it's been a cracking read so far. I would definitely recommend it to anyone who needs help with confidence, anxiety, depression etc. I will keep you posted on how this progresses.
I've also been gifted with some good advice from someone who I admire very much and that was to not dwell on whats happened and focus on the future. A tough one when I'm living each day... for the day. Sometimes I have to break it down to just surviving the next hour. However, I'm trying hard to bear this in mind.
I also just wanted to add, I get that people don't always know what to say. I have recently experienced 2 shows of lack of understanding of Mental Health issues by certain comments made... one was "stressed, we're all stressed, whats he got to be stressed about". It isn't always about knowing what to say, we're all human I completely get that! This blog and website was always designed to get people talking. The more we talk and share the less ignorant comments like this will be made. It's not because people are cruel or unkind, its just because there isn't the education around Mental Health.
Like a broken arm I do sometimes wonder if it would be easier if there was some visible and physical sign for Mental Health. I use to wear a WWJD (what would Jesus do) wrist band as a reminder of my Christian faith and values...maybe like a medical band I should create a Mental Health wrist band! For solidarity, so people know I suffer and know they can talk freely if they are struggling. Maybe I'll look into this more...someone has surely come up with this already...
I'll end this post by saying, you never know what personal battle someone if facing, be compassionate, be considerate and don't make assumptions.
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