Sorry for the radio silence in the last 2 weeks. I felt it was important to focus on me and not feel the pressure of updating the blog, to try and find the right words to communicate how I have been feeling. I knew that if anyone was concerned with my progress in this last 2 weeks, they would have communicated with me to 'check in'. Thank you to those who have sent me little messages, cards and gifts they really have helped.
It's been 2 weeks since I was signed off from work for some recovery and recuperation time. It's gone by quickly and to say I was a little nervous of going back to work tomorrow would be an understatement but likewise I acknowledge it is only natural I feel some trepidation.
So, what have I done in this 2 weeks...well there have been 3 Doctors appointments and 2 blood tests to start. I've done a lot of self-help, mindfulness practices and self-care. I'm still only sleeping for blocks of about 2 hours in the night, so I have maintained my regular night time routine but added some additional things to try and aid my sleep. I have an aromatherapy diffuser so each night, half an hour before I go to bed, I add fresh water and a few drops of lavender oil and let the scent fill the room. I have also read a lot of self-help information in the last 2 weeks and the one other reoccurring theme seemed to be massage. I therefore bought some lavender and neroli massage oil and researched how to give myself a hand and foot massage, so have added this to my night time routine.
I also listen to a relaxation or deep sleep meditation app, I have 2 favourites 'Guided Meditations' which has a variety of speaking meditations and breathing exercises. The other apps are by Andrew Johnson, who has relaxation apps on deep sleep and social phobia. I've also been using a specific panic attack app called 'Dare' and the one night this week I woke up having a panic attack, I listened to the app and the panic did subside within a few minutes, rather than the few hours where I would normally try to talk myself out of the panic attack.
Having read a lot of self-help guidance, I have also spent a lot of time reading some normal fiction, I read before bed and then listen to the deep sleep app to help me drift off.
As mentioned, I am only sleeping for about 2-hour blocks, I tend to drift off and then I wake 2 hours later. I tend to be awake then from anything from 1 hour to 3 hours, so in this time I have been listening to the Audio book of Stephen Fry reading Sherlock Holmes.
In the first week I really struggled to motivate myself and felt massively lethargic, I felt like I could have slept for a year. However, week two has been much better and I have spent much of the time outside, enjoying the fresh air and soaking up the glorious sunshine. I have just tried to keep busy but a relaxed busy.... not the usual frenzied busy that I make myself feel!
I have been to the library, spent some quality time with my family and even purchased a second-hand road bike. I have really struggled with exercise, my go to thing is usually running but due to the turmoil in my brain, haven't been able to comprehend running at the moment. Therefore, with the encouragement from my husband and my brother, found a decent second-hand road bike just to potter about on. I went for my first proper outing on it today, to blow away the cobwebs and forgot that we live on the hilly side of the city!! It did feel good to be out though with the wind in my hair.
I am still being careful with what I eat as there is definitely a link between what I eat and how I feel! However, I do seem to have a better appetite again.
I'm under no illusion that whilst I am making every attempt to regain some of 'me' back, I know I am in need of therapy and won't really get on top of these issues until this has happened. This time has given me some space to recharge my batteries to about 35% when I felt I was running at 5% previously. Still a good 65% to go but for now this will have to do.
People have asked if I feel better.... honestly, I think I do but I'm not sure. I've been in the 'I feel better' camp before and clearly I wasn't. So, I am trying not to say 'I feel better' as I don't truly know this is the case. I can only say I think this 2 weeks has helped in my ongoing recovery of this particular spell.
Huge thanks again to my long-suffering husband, who doesn't realise that he gives me the extra push at times when I'm tired and feel like giving up the fight. To my brother who is always just there happy to listen, who runs with my crazy ideas and who literally ran across the whole of the city to view a bike with me. To my Mum and Pops (Step Dad) who allowed me to stay for a few days whilst I have been off to give me a change of scenery.
To you for reading...Somehow this makes me feel less alone...Thank you x
Please pray (if you are willing) or just send positive vibes that I get through my return to work tomorrow!
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