I’ve previously written about how I have not been looking forward to my Birthday and Christmas this year. Just to recap mainly due to the issues I had last year with the worst episode of anxiety.
Christmas is warming on me slightly now. I’m trying to do all I can to keep it stress free so we are keeping it just the 3 of us, me hubby and the cat on the actual day. I have decided to only do Christmas presents for immediate family and I am trying (as a distraction technique) to home make some things.
However it’s my birthday today and to help me cope with the usual anxiety, I asked for vouchers. I’m trying to have a fairly selfless birthday, so with any appropriate vouchers I receive; I intend to spend them on sanitary products to donate to the South Bristol Red Box project. From donations, they supply sanitary items to schools etc to young girls/ladies who might be experiencing period poverty, or have just started their period and do not have the right things they need, or have just been caught short. I feel quite strongly about period poverty, after all having a period is not a choice. I have read some horror stories from home and abroad about how young girls/ladies and women cope when they can’t afford sanitary items. I won’t go into too many details here but it’s upsetting. I know I take for granted the products that are available to me, but they aren’t freely available to those in need. So this is why I have decided to make this contribution.
In essence I am trying to turn what is in my mind a stressful time, into a more rewarding time, doing some good. I hope this make sense.
In December I am also going to try and do a reverse advent calendar. Each day in December I am going to purchase an item collect to put in a box to donate to a food bank (normally this is done throughout November so it’s done in time for Christmas, however I like the thought behind this and any donation to the food bank is positive in my eyes. Hopefully people will benefit from this in January).
I feel like I just need to take the time to strip birthdays and Christmas back to their actual meaning and to do more good. I want to get rid of the expectations of – it’s not about the stress of the best decorations, the perfect Christmas dinner, the best present. To me it’s about spending time with my husband and cat, remembering the birth of Christ and being as stress and anxiety free as possible. If that means spending the day in my pajamas watching TV with my Christmas dinner on my lap then so be it.
It’s ok that I’m going to spend my birthday today partly on my own doing my own thing without any stress. Not having to do anything special, with no extravagant meal, no trips away etc.
I have struggled badly with anxiety again this week to the point I’m only getting about 2 hours sleep a night max and have been plagued by IBS again. My counselling continues and we are currently trying to progress things, as I felt I wasn’t moving forward or getting anywhere. There was also an issue from Saturday which saw some old frustrating emotions come to the surface.
So here I am still trying to get through and survive each day regardless if its my birthday or not. I am still at that point where I am striving and trying to do things to feel better, however this episode has been going on for so long now that the reality is …this might be my new reality. It will then be up to me to grieve for my past and try and embrace my future whatever it holds.
A wise dear friend recently sent me this quote “One day you will look back and see that all along you were blooming” – I hope and pray I get the ‘One day’ this refers to.
I have struggled to write blogs and I think it’s because I didn't want to admit to myself that I wasn’t getting as well as I had hoped. So I am sorry this is not a really positive ‘go get em tiger’ update but just the reality of someone living in the presence of anxiety.
I've received some lovely gifts and messages so far today - thank you x
Big love N x
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