I was asked to describe how I manage to look calm and controlled whilst having the worst inner turmoil.
I find it interesting that this question was asked, under the picture of me on the beach on holiday. I can see I look better in this photo, less...... unhappy. When I look at other recent photos of myself I can see the tension/strain around my eyes.
Truth be told I don't think I am that good at looking calm and controlled. I have always been very expressive and have been told by various people, that you can tell how I'm feeling by the look on my face. I was once told by a manager at an old work place, that I was too expressive and to try sitting on my hands!
Anxiety and depression is not like a broken leg, there is no cast and no obvious visible signs. I think for those that I have known a long time; I am always honest about when I’m suffering. However for those that have only known me for a few years, they are always surprised to know how I've been feeling and how long I have suffering. So I guess this is the point, how do you carry on as if there is nothing going on in the inside?
I'm helped by my performing arts background, I learnt to put an act on and slap a smile on it. However the older I got, it just got too bad to fake it anymore. You know the phrase 'fake it till you make it'...that was me. I knew I had been faking huge parts of my life and was desperately unhappy.
So how do we carry on, when we can carry on...? I know I can stand up in front of a room full of people speaking about something I am passionate about. It's like something else takes over. Don’t get me wrong leading up to that point fills me with dread, I have thoughts such as:
"what if I can’t do it this time"
"what if I stumble over my words"
"what if I make an idiot of myself"
"what if I say the wrong things"
"what if I a pass out" (I have the ‘passing out’ thought lots of times throughout the day, despite the fact I have actually never passed out.... unless you count the time a till roll fell on my head and knocked me out… but I don’t think that's the same ;-) )
Let's just talk about a bad day and what I feel happens internally to me. Below I have tried to describe this and have underlined the inner turmoil feelings. I’ve picked a bad normal working day.
I wake up feeling like I've been hit by a bus, I don’t want to get up, and my mind is whirring with terrible thoughts:
"why do I have to go on"
"what's the point"
“please don’t make me go”
I lie there trying to convince myself that it’s all going to be ok and little steps will help.
If I make it up and in the shower, I normally make the shower scorching hot in the hope it provokes some feeling or reaction out of me. This is the place I normally shed my tears of frustration. Frustration of having to carry on even though it feels like my chest is going to explode and I have this dark cloud hanging over me.
I sit in my wet towel on the edge of the bed desperately thinking of an excuse to stay in bed, trying to reason with myself – my thoughts are conflicted.
As I've taken so long persuading myself I've got to get on, I then feel like I’m running late. So then I have the added pressure of knowing I'm late...for me. I'm never late by the way! This is my equivalent of late. I start work at 9am for example, my version of late is not being in work at my desk by 8:30...even if I'm going to be after 8:30am but before 9am, I message my boss to say I'm going to be late for me, she knows what I mean. My mind, thoughts and actions feel like they are going 100mph at this point!
I then can’t decide what to wear, nothing feels comfortable, and nothing goes. I can't be bothered with makeup but always do just in case I bump into someone important. My hair won’t do what I want it to. I constantly doubt myself and my appearance, and that I'm just never good enough.
I make it downstairs but only after checking all the windows, for when I am in this anxious state I'm convinced we'll be burgled. I can't stomach breakfast, normally because I feel sick. I’m irrational now and over thinking everything.
I hit the auto pilot stage. I leave home checking my bag twice, checking the doors are locked twice. I drive to work with dread in the pit of my stomach. I try to make myself sing in the car to feel better. All the while I’m running through my usual checklist in my head:
“did I turn off my hair straighteners”
“did I remember to lock the door”
“did I bring cutlery for my lunch”
“did I remember my water bottle”
I arrive at work. I sometimes take a few minutes before getting out of the car...my head is screaming, my hands are sweaty, and my heart is racing. I'm filled with dread...”please don't make me go today”, I want to scream. If I get to work and am having a full blown panic attack, I stick one of my panic apps on and try to breathe through it. At this point my head is whirling and my thoughts are racing:
"if I don’t make it in who will pay the bills"
"what if I have a panic attack at work and can't actually cope"
"what if I have reached my limit and loose it with a customer"
Somehow I walk to the office building its feels like walking a tight rope, knowing I have to make it to the other side but not really wanting to. I get to the door and even though I don’t want to go I slap a smile on it because I know I have to.
I go into work like everything’s ok and unless I verbalise how I’m feeling chances are nobody would ever know.
My inner turmoil... this is it! I am constantly having my own battles in my head and I whilst I don’t agree with the term ‘I’m going mad’ for what it implies in terms of Mental Health, I can completely understand why people feel this way. I sometimes wish there was a switch I could flick off for my mind to be quiet for just 5 minutes but there isn’t.
Apologies for the length of this post I did agree to answer all questions posed as best I could and hope I have done this one justice.
Next post I’m going to focus on the positives of Mental Health…I know…Shocker there are some positives !!!
Laters…Big love x
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