The question posed to me in this instance was regarding music and if it helps me during the dark times.
As in my last blog I'm feeling a little vulnerable and more so right now. My counselling session has left me feeling broken emotionally today. On the way home I listened to the song I reference below on repeat...I really needed to hear the words. This is exactly the point of this blog in this instance. Music evokes all sorts of emotions - hope, despair, longing, memories, comfort, wonderment, joy....etc
Music has always been ingrained in my soul right from an early age. When I was a child I used to serenade our postman by singing the Postman Pat theme tune out the window at the top of my lungs. There were a million renditions of 'The Snow Man' over many Christmases. I'd belt out songs in church. The one and only time I have lost my voice was during a Music summer school where I sang the whole time I was there. My passion for music grew, and whilst I did not have the aptitude or patience for the piano, my gift was my voice. I was trusted with solos at a very young age and turned down braces and jaw operations to fix my open bite, for fear of not being able to sing or changing the way I sang.
Historically when my anxiety has been heightened I would sing 'Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious' (this was the last song I sang properly on stage as Mary Poppins), even on my wedding party when we had our blessing, I sang this out loud before my Dad walked me in. However the worst the anxiety got the less effective this became.
All the songs that made me feel empowered, lost their ability to bring me comfort anymore. I tried to listen to new songs I had read were good for recovery and well being, nothing sparked that flame in me. Not to recite an apt music lyric.... but it was like the music had died.
So on those long nights wide awake on my own, I sought solace in Audio Books. Somehow with Audio Books, my brain concentrated on the words and the story and less on its 100mph whirlwind irrational thoughts! It halted my overactive brain for a short time and offered some relief.
I get very stressed in the car... particularly in traffic, because I panic that I can’t get out of the traffic jam. I have found if I listen to an Audio Book this distracts me from those negative thoughts.
The lack of my ability to love music again did not subside until a dear friend sent me a song that so completely resonated with me it made me cry.... Like really cry....sobs of pain, sobs of hope... sobs of relief that I was not alone. I had that song on repeat for.....well actually as above, I still have that song on repeat at times. Progressively it broke the spell and I was able to listen to music again. It was like the fog was lifted. I have included the lyrics to the song below and I hope they bring comfort to anyone else who needs to hear these words right now. It is from a musical so sorry non theatre musical lovers but I do love a good musical and this song literally renders me speechless but my heart hurts and rejoices at the same time.
My wish is that anyone else feeling alone finds that one song whatever it is brings you comfort.
I can’t recommend Audio Books enough in the dead of night if you are lying with your own thoughts that you know may be irrational. Find a book you love even if you've read it a dozen times, this does have its advantages if you do fall asleep, you won’t miss a bit if you've read it before. I've listened to the whole series of Harry Potter more than once. Of late I am listening to a book by Lucinda Riley. I have listened to the majority of Lucinda's books in the last few months. I love the fusion of old and new and how she can take me from the depths of India to a grand stately home in Devon.
When I found the music again and with encouragement from an old school friend, I'm finally joining a choir. I attended their summer concert and they sang a song which also made me cry because of the words and what it meant to me personally ... It was like it was meant to be. It's a musical theatre choir... so I should be in my element. Singing is good for the soul so hope this is going to help.
You will be found (partial lyrics)
– from the musical Dear Evan Hansen
Have you ever felt like nobody was there Have you felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere Have you ever felt like you could disappear Like you could fall and no one would hear Well, let that lonely feeling wash away Maybe there's a reason to believe you'll be okay Cause when you don't feel strong enough to stand You can reach, reach out your hand And oh, someone will come running And I know they'll take you home Even when the dark comes crashing through When you need a friend to carry you And when you're broken on the ground You will be found So let the sun come streaming in Cause you'll reach up and you'll rise again Lift your head and look around You will be found.
Big love N x
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